Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
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I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.