dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
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Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.
Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.
Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.