“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
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Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”