Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
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The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
couldn’t resist
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
They also CAN sing✌️
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
It be like that sometimes 😆
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.