Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
You Might Also Like
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.