“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
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I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
asking santa clause for nudes
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball