“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
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This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
Battery falling down a hole
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp