“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
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You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.