“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
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‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex