My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
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Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
Here’s a meme
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.