“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
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Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
oppen heimer style lol
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.