“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
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It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
One venti cheeseburger please.
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
Leaving the Barbers like
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it