Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
You Might Also Like
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.