“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
You Might Also Like
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
Times when calories don’t count:
1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner
2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack
3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot
4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”