“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
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Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t