Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
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If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
is this how new cars are made??
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
[first 2 hours of meeting]
Coworker:
[last 2 minutes of meeting]
Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks