Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
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the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
follow me for more life hacks
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
S/o to @funTweeters .
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son