Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
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Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
Practicing safe sax
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣