Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
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*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*