I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
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[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.