Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
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A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
this is uni
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.