Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
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me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
This meeting could have been a cake
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
My therapist after every session
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.