The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
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@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
What an awful time to have common sense.
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?
KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.
It do be feeling this way.
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.