Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
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“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
I’m having an out of money experience.
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff