* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
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-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
Schrödinger’s cookie
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.