And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
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Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
WHO DID THIS?
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
humans only use 10% of their treadmills