Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
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Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
Happy thanksgiving
I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.