5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
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Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
Breaking news:
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
What if all the cashiers are married?
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.