@OhSweetCharity: Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
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@asimplesean: I approach. "Girl are you a couch? Cuz I'm gonna try & fail to pick you up." She laughs. "I'm Jen." My training hasn't prepared me for this.
@huntigula: WIFE: You know, you're my best friend! Am I your best friend? ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
@EyeSeeYou619: ME: Since Tatooine has 2 suns shouldn't Luke Skywalker cast 2 shadows? GEORGE LUCAS:*pressing intercom* Security, she's in the house again.
@Super_Cynthia: 911: What's your emergency? [sounds of struggling and growling] 911: Hello?! Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND