@OhSweetCharity: Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
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@haveigotnews: As Vladimir Putin announces he's seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
@bkdcasey: If it acts like a duck, sounds like a duck and looks like a duck, then it is probably some girl on Instagram taking a selfie.
@samfromks: Her: What veggies are the kids having with dinner? Me: (Smacking the bottom of a ketchup bottle) Fresh Tomatoes...