Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
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“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?