@minnie_in_pink7: Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
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@markedly: MANAGER: You're hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to-- ME: I quit
@Book_Krazy: *Makes bacon *Eats one piece *2 pieces *3 pieces *Eats all the bacon *Hides the evidence 9: Yummm! What's that smell? Me: Cereal
@neptunemoons: "Mom! Mom! Hold this cockroach while I grab the lizard!" --Things I honestly never imagined I'd hear as a parent
@daemonic3: [at TED talk] OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor? *entire crowd stands* No a MEDICAL doctor *entire crowd sits*