Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
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my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
Opening emails from the school.
“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.