ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
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when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it