damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
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I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.