Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
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me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
wow he looks just like him
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.