Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
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*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women