Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
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Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂