Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
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My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto