[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
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there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
Not today
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
Twitter is an abusement park.
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol