@boring_as_heck: Damn girl, is your dad an astronaut? Because I'd like to meet him. Please let me meet your astronaut dad.
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@_NinJar: *wakes up in hospital* What happened? "It was a heart attack" Will I be ok? *a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat* "No"
@WGladstone: My upstairs landlord asked if screams were coming from my apt or if she was dreaming. Either way, one of us has a terrifying neighbor.
@Brentweets: I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
@ericonederful: I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.