@_NinJar: *wakes up in hospital* What happened? "It was a heart attack" Will I be ok? *a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat* "No"

@WGladstone: My upstairs landlord asked if screams were coming from my apt or if she was dreaming. Either way, one of us has a terrifying neighbor.

@Brentweets: I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him

@ericonederful: I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.

@myonlymizztake: These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don't tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.