Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
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*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
Yup
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.