I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
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[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms