Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
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“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car