Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
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The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
Phew
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Phew ✔
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.