@ElKnuckelhombre: Damn, i got hit with the "we need to talk" from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
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@bananainches: Guys, I just got myself a new liquor cabinet! The salesperson keeps calling it a 3 bedroom house for some reason. but its a liquor cabinet.
@Tommytoughstuff: [Talking to a giant banana] "Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?"
@brianbowman73: Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what's around you.. And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
@TheMichaelRock: [guy inventing Captain Crunch] Hear me out, they're razor blades, but they're delicious.