Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
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Girl, same.
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.