Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
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The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.