Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
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my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
Did I do this right
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.