@LoneWolfStories: Damn you autocorrect for making me look like an idiom. Always trying to make a tool out of me.
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@briancthayer: Be specific when saying "BYOB": [bursts into house] Hey, I brought beers! *7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
@iwearaonesie: Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can't hear the TV
@jngraphs: Another normal evening Cook food - 30 minutes Eat it - 5 minutes Check Facebook - 1 minute Check Twitter - 8 hours
@flashember: [writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my "Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords" memoir BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD