Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
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If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.