Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
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Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.