Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
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Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
This could be us… but you playing
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.