Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
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“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
Said the murderer.
AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.