@nefariousPeterD: Damn, you know you're getting old when you get up in the morning and have to rest for awhile
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@Jake_Vig: *opens present HER: What is this? ME: It's The One Ring. I fought orcs for it. HER: They didn't have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
@NYC_Blonde: I've kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I've actually discovered several new species.
@Cpin42: When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
@KentWGraham: Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.