@nefariousPeterD: Damn, you know you're getting old when you get up in the morning and have to rest for awhile
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@iRowlf: When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says "I'll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy"
@sarcasticmommy4: 13: Mom, you look younger every day. M: What do you want? 13: A new skateboard. M: How young? 13: 29 M: Done.
@splegge: Put a pill in wife's mouth while asleep "WTF you doing?" "for your headache." "I don't have one!" Just what I wanted to hear! *unzip flys
@rockymomax: CLERK: $3.74 ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing