Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
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a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
uncle dave has been through hell
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me