#damn
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HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
cats when you pet them too long:
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.