“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
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Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*